So Very Tired

Ironic I'm posting this the week after raving about our great getaway and how refreshing it was! This is our life though. We think we're getting a little bit of breathing room, and the next moment it's gone.

We've been in Italy for almost two years straight now. And since we arrived, we have been bombarded with spiritual warfare. Some of those things have been BIG but most are nagging little things that add up to exhaustion. Someone likened it to having a paper cut. Not even worthy of a band-aid, but it can hurt like the dickens. We kind of feel covered with the annoyances of paper cuts right now.

Last night we decided that the bottom line is we're exhausted. Every day just takes so much energy to engage and understand and readjust and think creatively. And we're in a season with our young family where we're physically exhausted as well.

All of this was weighing on me this morning, as I spent time with the Lord. We've really been looking forward to some time in the States this summer--to being in the same time zone with friends and family, to having a little more space to spread out, to being able to run multiple errands in one day. And of course to enjoying some food that isn't Italian. Living out of suitcases for two months definitely has its stressors, but overall, we've been looking forward to the weight of the challenges of life in Italy being lifted for a little bit.

We realized recently that one weight is being replaced with another. Many of you might know we recently learned about some significant tax ramifications we're facing. Our summer of trying to just recharge is now becoming a summer of needing to raise an incredible amount of financial support. Since the kids' schooling plays such a huge role in our ability to be out of the country, we are beginning feel the stress of what the coming months in our family's life will be like.

So back to my time with the Lord. One, I realized that exercising faith can often be exhausting. I feel like our family has been in a period of "transition" for the past two years, and it might not be ending soon. Every day I am faced with an opportunity to exercise faith in God's provision for us--whether finacially, relationally, or within the context of ministry. Every day. What an incredible opportunity! I was so convicted of my desire for walking in faith to be "easy." I was convicted of how I look to so many other things to refresh my exhausted heart than to the One who made it and knows it so intimately.

In the midst of my Bible study, I read I Samuel 14:6. I was reading it in a completely different context, but it struck straight to my heart regarding the money we have to raise to remain serving here under the new tax policies. My faith can flounder sometimes when I look at the numbers and wonder, "Is it really worth it?" And when I think about the Lord raising that money in the two and half months we have planned in the States, I can only think, "That would be a miracle."

"Perhaps the Lord will act on our behalf. Nothing can hinder the Lord from saving, whether by many or by few." (I Samuel 14:6)

Perhaps the Lord will act on our behalf! He is certainly able. Nothing can hinder the Lord from saving. He desperately desires Italians to be saved. He longs to be their hope and refuge. An overwhelming tax situation will not hinder Him. Whether by many or by few. One of the heartbreaking ramifications of the tax issue are the number of current missionaries who will have to go home because of an inability to raise the money needed to cover them. Honestly, that could be us. We can only wait to see what the Lord has in store. But what great comfort we can take in knowing that even if the evangelical presence is diminished even further, it will not hinder the Lord. He will contine to save, even with fewer. Just as He did with Gideon's Army. And what greater glory He will receive!

I am so thankful to serve a God who speaks so directly to my heart. Yes, we are still exhausted. Yes, we're still longing for the weight to be lifted a little. But we are taking courage.